love & hate (it's all so foolish)

[loveheizt]

 

fandom: enhypen

pairing: jungwon/riki

rating: M ?

word count: 957

other tags: aged up characters, heavy angst + arguments, drinking, morally grey characters, alternate universe - f1 drivers…… ahahaha, minor… mention… of sexual content… but its not riki promise

A/N: i actually do have plans to work on this in the future…! All my little drabbles and wips are wonki lol i am feeding the wonki tag on ao3 fr,  also this is slightly mature like . ooh loveheizt m18 fic debut LMAOAOAOOAOAO but it’s very minor 

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“Jungwon.”

Honorifics dropped. Riki’s words are beginning to slur. His worldview is starting to tip over. He leans forward, grabs onto one of the cuffs of Jungwon’s pants.

“Why’d you have to fuck him?”

Jungwon’s head jerks down a little, shooting him a look. There’s pain in his eyes, his lips are quivering and his cheeks are burning red, probably from the embarrassment.

“You wouldn’t get it,” Jungwon says at last.

“Bullshit. Fucking bullshit,” Riki spits out. “You know how much I fucking hate him. You fucking know that.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“You said you hated him too,” Riki reminds. “You lied.”

“That was in the past. He’s not all that bad,” Jungwon tries to justify.

“Are you fucking insane? Are we remembering correctly just exactly who Park Jongseong fucking is?” Riki snaps. “Your ex. Who broke up with you? Terribly, might I add?”

“Well guess what, Riki? I lied.”

Riki lets go of Jungwon’s pants. He looks up at him. 

“What?”

Jungwon sighs. “I was the one to break up with him. Not the other way around.”

Riki stills. “But why?”

“Because I was a fucking coward, okay?” Jungwon shrieks. 

“He loved me so much, ensured to pour all that love into a fucking tank before passing it all on to me. It was too much. I couldn’t bear to receive it all. So, I took the easy way out.”

Riki blinks. “You ran away.”

“Like a coward,” Jungwon reiterates. He sighs again, takes his place next to Riki. He leans back against the bathtub. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just.” Jungwon hesitates, thinking about what to say. “Didn’t want to feel like a bad guy.”

Riki scowls. The bile in his throat isn’t trying to force its way out of his mouth anymore but he still feels fucking awful. Because if Jungwon was thinking about getting back together with Jongseong all this time then…

“Jungwon. I think your therapist ought to diagnose you as a sadist.”

Jungwon gives him a look. “Pardon?”

“You think it’s really fun, huh? Leading me on?”

“Leading you on? What the hell are you talking about?”

“Oh, don’t try to fucking gaslight me. You were fucking using me to get to him, weren’t you? Or were you just using me to forget him?”

“Riki, the alcohol is seriously getting to your head. Do you need water?”

“No. Fuck that. Don’t fucking do that to me. What the hell were all those nights when you crawl into my bed then? Asking me for kisses as a joke, knowing damn well I would have done it even if you weren’t joking. That time when Kim Chaewon threw her party for winning and you were on the balcony overlooking the city and you looked so beautiful I thought I was going to die and then you got closer to me and I could smell your cologne and I swear we were going to kiss but then your stupid asshole of an ex had to barge in on the spot. Or when I fucking gave up my spot for you just so that you could win that grand prix? Sakura was screaming her head off at me in the room but I didn’t care because all I could think about was looking at how happy you looked on the podium.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that, you know. That was stupid of you. You should know that.”

“Of course, it was stupid of me to do. But I subconsciously did it anyway because I”m in  love with you, damn it.”

Jungwon rolls his eyes. “You don’t love me, Riki,” he scoffs.

“And now you’re trying to gaslight my own emotions. Wow. Woooow.”

“Oh, grow the hell up.”

“You’re an absolute piece of shit, Yang Jungwon,” Riki snarls.

“Yeah, I know,” Jungwon agrees. “But you’re an absolute piece of shit too, y’know.”

“Like fucking Hell I am.”

“You literally have a terrible temper. You’re constantly lashing out at the people in control. You lost your marbles so much during the entire process of loving me that you’re starting to forget the real reason why we’re in this mess in the first place.”

“... What?”

“Riki, you want to win.”

“Duh.”

“But you also want me. These two things can’t possibly co-exist. This is Formula One, we’re talking about. We’ll date. We’ll fall in love. But we’ll always love being a champion even more. So we’ll fight. We’ll tear each other apart until we lose both each other and the potential of a world championship.”

Jungwon gives him a small smile. “That isn’t something you want now, is it?”

Riki frowns. He is so, so, so drunk. And dazed. And confused. And fuck he really needs to throw up again.

Jungwon stands. He grabs something from on top of the sink. It’s a water bottle. He passes it to Riki who downs it immediately after he catches it.

It clicks in Riki's head sometime between the third and fifth gulp.

“You love me too, don’t you?”

Jungwon doesn’t confirm. Nor does he deny it.

“You know it means that you’re running away from love again.”  

“I’m choosing what’s best for us,” Jungwon affirms. “Even if it means forcing myself into a perfect seamless relationship I am doomed to be stuck with, just to see the one I truly love prosper.”

Riki finishes drinking. “You’re insane.”

Jungwon could easily just stay single. But the thing is, Jungwon fears loneliness more than being loved. That, Riki knows.

Maybe they were less destined for each other than he thought.